Health & Beauty
5 Things To Remember If You Get ‘Cold Feet’
We can only thank the dramatic yet wonderful poetry of Stephen Crane for giving us the term ‘cold feet’ to define our doubts, and if you experience this I can reassure you that you are not the first, and certainly won’t be the last! The good news is that according to Psychology Today, around 4 out of 5 marriages will continue to last even after feelings of doubt or ‘cold feet’ the night before. So, what can we do to ease the anxiety? When should doubts be ignored and when should we listen to them?
Here are some tips to consider when warming up those tootsies to walk the aisle:
1. Ask yourself the question “why?”
Why are we still together? Why is marriage a benefit to us? Why do I think it will work? You will tailor these questions to suit your own situation of course, but it’s a conversation that needs to happen in order to make sense of those doubts.
2. Respect your feelings
You need to respect that these feelings derive from somewhere. Is it fear? Fear of what? Where and when did this fear present itself? What and who triggered it? Are these fears eased by your other half or are they ‘because’ of your other half? Whatever your feelings, it is important they are not ignored but evaluated. Imagine them as a beach ball you’re trying to hold underwater, consider how much energy is put into holding it there for long periods of time and how exhausting it can be. The best way to relieve the pressure is to just let go and let the ball gently float up where it can be evaluated and seen for what it is.
3. Visualise outcomes
What will life be like with my other half after this day? What will it be like after ten years? Will I be content in this marriage? Do our lifestyle choices complement each other? What if I don’t get married? What will life be like in ten years if we don’t marry? Visualising is also an effective tool used to recognise and materialise doubts. It may be best to go somewhere private where you can relax and experience these visualisations with your full focus, like the bath or even the spa, for example.
4. Talk to someone
If you have someone in mind that you could confide in, that’s ideal. However, if this option isn’t possible you can still consider talking through your feelings with a trained counselor. A great organisation to help is RELATE, who specialise in relationship counseling, though be prepared to pay fees and not get a quick fix. This approach will most likely include an introductory session before getting into the real complexities of your doubts, though this is important if you want to get married after a properly informed decision. This isn’t useful, however, if your doubts have only decided to surface the night before. In this situation you may want to consider online advice, which is also available on RELATEs’ website.
5. Don’t be swayed by the pressure
Your partner, family and friends are so excited, and they are on a countdown, you’ve invested so much hard-earned money in this event and if you back out now, it may seem like there is a lot to lose. Backing out from this perspective is not the easy option. Therefore, you need to take yourself out of the present and look to the future. Could you be saving yourself from a lot of future heartache and the trauma of divorce? Remember, a wedding is only ONE DAY, but a marriage is for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Listen to your instincts and you’ll know what’s right for you.
By Claire Louise McBride, Excalibur Press